I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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