You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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