Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Randomize
