you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
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