Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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