I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
