i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
