Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize