if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
where are you?
Hypothermia
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
