Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
After last night, I could never be a politician.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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