I should be sponsored by Trojan
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
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