i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
