my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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