I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
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Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
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