You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
