I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
