I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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