What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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