I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
