I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Just high enough for therapy.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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