I wanna passion pit in your ass
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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