Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
