Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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