I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
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