my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
