I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
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