You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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