I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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