Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
