They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
