I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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