i would punch a child for taco bell
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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