I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
