just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
