k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
