he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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