You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
