I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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