what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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