I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
