Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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