I want to walk on stilts...naked
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
