Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
