In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
