I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
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