6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
