2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
