Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
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They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
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I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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