I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
