my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
