so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
