I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
