i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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