I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
