This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
