i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
