dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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